Judgment day.
For the 15 American beauty finalists...
seeking the coveted national beauty title...
it's the long-awaited moment.
We'd say they all look like prize winners.
Picked from entries representing practically every state in the union...
they're the cream of the crop.
And, of course, a good deal of this credit goes to my mother.
How long till they're straight?
You'll have beautiful teeth by your 16th birthday.
Just in time for Junior Miss.
So how are you going to be paying for this?
Cash. Monthly.
Ten...
30...
50--
- Where you been? - Out.
Answer your mother.
Out.
Don't you be a smart-ass.
Lurdy, she's my kid, not yours.
As long as she's living under my roof, she ain't gonna talk to me that way.
Your roof? You ain't got a roof. This is my roof.
Where you going?
To work.
- You want some pizza? - That's my pizza.
So do you want some pizza?
Knock first!
Mona, don't aggravate me. I got a headache.
When the "do not enter"sign is up, you knock first.
Do you want something to eat or not?
I want you to knock first.
Can I come in?
Hi! My name is Ramona--
Hello. My name is Ramona Hibbard, but my--
Hello. My name is Ramona Hibbard, but my friends call me Mona.
I'm the owner of MND.
Mona's Neighborhood Deliveries.
I have a variety of household items you may need...
but don't have enough time to go all the way to the store to buy.
In laundry detergent, I can offer you Fab or Tide.
Here's my card. Here's my card. Here's my card.
You want a five percent discount now?
No. Gerald over at Piggly-Wiggly told me he'd give me a five percent discount.
It's ten to you.
I can't do that.
Nice doing business with you.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
All right. There you are.
There you go.
Thanks.
Why, how generous...
and completely unexpected.
Thank you, ma'am. I'll see you soon.
And the winner...
of the Little Miss Starlet fashion model contest...
12 to 14 age division is...
Autumn Meadowbrook!
And that concludes the fourth annual Verna Chickles...
Little Miss Starlet fashion model contest.
I want to thank you all for coming today...
and thank you for being so beautiful!
Where have you been?
I was feeling a little sick, so I went and got myself a drink. Let's go.
Look what I won, Mama. Look what I won.
You won?
"Participant"?
You didn't win.
You bought this with whatever you paid to get in this thing.
- What did you pay? - $135 registration fee.
$135 for that. Come on.
Get your bags. Let's go. Come on.
Don't ask me to drive you to any more of these things.
I'll pay for the gas.
I don't need you to pay for my gas.
I don't need you either!
I can ride my bike.
You're aggravating me, and I got a headache. Let's get out of here.
Hurry up.
Go on. Go on.
Wait! Shit!
Wait! Wait!
- All right, listen to me! - I was in the wrong room!
If he tries that bullshit again, I'll kill him!
And I'll turn you in for not protecting me!
I'll go live with a foster family while you rot in jail!
Got that?
Nedra, don't believe the brat.
I went into the wrong room. I was looking for the bathroom.
She's a lying brat.
Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois...
is your new Miss American Miss!
Mona, honey, I don't know why you haven't won any pageants.
It's not just that I haven't won.
After 18 pageants, I haven't even made it into the top 20.
It's the wardrobe, isn't it?
I'm gonna tell you a little secret.
I have started a modeling academy for the most promising young ladies.
A little basic training, and you will be winning pageants in no time.
How would you like to pay for that?
Cash. Monthly.
- And it's Hibbitt. - Hibbard.
- Mona? - Mona, yes.
Of course.
Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.
Very good, very good.
All right. Now, ladies, let's move on.
Today I'd like to introduce you...
to the step, pivot, turn around, head snap.
All right? Now, watch me very carefully.
All right, now...
one little step.
Eye contact, eye contact.
Turn your body slowly.
At the last moment, snap.
Now, remember that, ladies.
All right, your turn.
One little step forward...
keeping your eyes on your audience.
Turn your body slowly.
Very good. Eye contact here.
All right, now, then, snap.
Very good.
Let's try it moving.
If your eyes are not on them, their eyes will not be on you.
Move over, Scumona.
Sorry.
Sweet Jesus.
It's in the details where we see true craftsmanship.
Thank you, dear.
The school assembly has been canceled.
We're going to have to share our pinking shears.
Don't sit here.
Go sit with your girlfriend and get cooties.
Go sit by your girlfriend!
I'm not going to let her sit here!
- Girl! - You're a girl!
- That's cold! - Oh, man!
Damn. You guys made me spill my lemonade.
Jason, Eric, Richard, you've got cleanup. Get over here.
- We didn't do it! - I don't want to hear it.
Inside now.
Go, go, go.
I hate lunch.
Me too.
I'm in your home ec class. I'm Mona.
Ruby.
Where'd you learn to sew so good?
My grandma.
I don't have a lemonade to give you, but do you want my orange?
I'm on a diet.
Well, whatever I've got, it's yours.
And the winner for the most unique pageant outfit...
12 to 14 division...
Mona Hibbard!
Yes!
Grandma!
Grandma, we won! Grandma!
Hello, sweetheart.
- I can't believe it. We won! - Did you now?
Yeah. I'll take your bag in.
- Come on in. - Hello, Mrs. Stillwell.
I'm just as pretty and talented as the girls who win.
The problem is my outfits.
So you won. Isn't that nice?
The title, no.
My outfit won, Grandma!
Yes, but I was wearing it.
Isn't that nice?
I can pay you $25 for each dress.
Oh, my, look at you.
I can also get you certain supermarket clearance items.
You just worry about paying for the fabric.
How come you're being so nice to me? You hardly know me.
Must be your looks.
It's hard to say no to someone as beautiful as you.
You go wash up for dinner.
- How much time do we have? - The show starts in 20 minutes.
I wish we could watch it at my place.
- But you don't have a TV. - I know.
Come on. It'll be fine. Where do we stop next?
The Millers, then the Stewarts. Then the fashion complex.
- They're just two seconds from my house. - Just two seconds.
All right.
The Miss American Miss contest is not gonna start without me!
Come on, Ruby. Come on.
- Mona? - Come on. It's okay.
All I'm saying is you got to get out of that chair and find a job.
I'm working on this here motor!
- What smells? - What doesn't?
You've been working on that thing for two years!
I'd be done if you'd stay off my ass!
Get the money box.
Hold on. Wait!
- Wow. You've got a lot. - Yeah, I know. We're gonna need it.
I've got my booklets. I've got the clippings.
Come on. Let's go.
Hurry up. What are you doing? We're going to miss the opening.
Okay, let's go.
And here they are, the beautiful 1986 Miss American Miss contestants.
Where are my cigarettes?
- Here. I made these for us. - Thanks.
I just bought a pack of smokes. Damn it!
I cannot watch this beauty crap.
I do not know where your damn cigarettes are.
From the great state of Texas, we have Pam Seal.
You wouldn't know it, but this blond beauty is a bronc rider.
She can tame a wild beast, and she can treat them.
She's studying to be a vet at Lubbock State.
Miss New Mexico, Lucy Ann Miranda.
Lucy's hobbies are aerobics and spelunking.
But she gets her greatest rewards from working with the terminally ill.
- Would you turn that down? - She says it makes her feel alive.
Virginia Sue Walker, Miss Florida.
Virginia, or Ginny Sue as she likes to be called...
loves to scuba dive.
The second runner-up is Miss North Carolina...
Cheryl Lynn Kennan!
Our first runner-up...
If Miss Nevada's first runner-up, Miss Texas has got it.
Miss Nevada, Michelle Willis.
This makes our 1992 Miss American Miss...
Miss Texas, Mindy Jo Gilbert!
It's always Miss Texas.
I've been looking for work. I'm just overqualified.
Stand up.
Everywhere I go, they say--
That's the second year in a row a dancer's won.
It's statistically proven.
Singing and dancing and having a platform to do with children...
and getting choked up during the interview.
It's the only way to go.
- May I, please? - Mona, what are you doing?
- You need a new look. - A new look? I like my hair.
Come on, Laura Ingalls. It's so over.
Look.
So what do you think?
I think you need to learn to dance and sing.
Inside, and one, two...
back, three, four...
and five, six, seven, eight.
And one and two...
and three, drop, four...
over, five, six...
seven, eight.
Baby, come here.
You can invite Martin in. He doesn't have to wait outside.
That's not Martin. That's Joey.
- What happened to Martin? - He got on my nerves.
They sure come and go quickly.
Hurry. Let's fit this so Joey can drive me home.
Are you all right?
Must be nerves.
Yeah, must be. You got everything?
We got interview, evening...
bathing suit and your outfit for talent.
Do you want some crackers for the bus?
Animals love me.
Jo Jo, I thought you were doing an interpretative jazz routine...
to "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
"Bicycle Built For Two" while I'm twirling my fire baton.
I'm twirling a fire baton while I do an interpretative jazz routine...
to "Bicycle Built For Two," and you knew that.
I told you that at registration.
What a shame.
Thank goodness I'm going first.
Ladies and gentlemen, our first contestant...
in the Miss Naperville County beauty pageant...
Jo Jo Oberschmidt.
Good, good, good luck to you.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
It's hot.
I like this one.
I'm so glad I could be here to help, you know?
This could have been an absolute tragedy.
It could.
Oh, my goodness.
This is an outrage. Grab her.
You remember Alexandra Valente?
When she tripped up Princess O'Mahoney, nobody said anything.
And her nose has never been the same since.
She works at Rite-Aid now.
The one on Pratt Street?
Can you help?
They say it's the fourth scandal I've been involved in.
Give me a handle.
They never proved anything.
Everything will be all right.
I can't compete in the county anymore.
We'll move to a different county. It's gonna be fine.
- Even if we move, I can't. - You can. We'll figure it out.
- We won't. - We will.
I'm pregnant.
You should have a flaming act too. That would do it, dear.
It's not gonna be fine.
Rule number five in the handbook.
Mothers and legal guardians are ineligible.
You know, I needed to win tonight.
I needed the money. I needed it.
Now I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.
I always loved the circus, didn't you, Mona?
Yes, Mrs. Stillwell. I think I'll join it.
- Stop this. - It's over.
Listen to me. I will figure it out.
We've made it through a lot of stuff, and we'll make it through this.
Do you remember when Verna Chickles accused you...
of cutting the rear end out of Kelly Megan's swimsuit...
in the Miss Tiny Little Darling Princess pageant?
You thought your career was over then...
and it wasn't.
So we're gonna make it through this, okay?
Now let me see that smile.
Let me see it.
Nope. That's not the one I wanna see.
I wanna see that Miss American Miss smile.
There it is.
That's it. That's the one I was looking for.
Mother.
Mother!
Mom?
Mom.
Mom!
Mother!
Mom, I gotta go! Now!
- Wait, sweetie. - The winner...
- Your Aunt Mona's up there. See? - Miss Illinois for 2000...
Yeah, I see, but I still got to pee.
to represent Illinois at the Miss American Miss pageant...
later this year is...
Miss Dupage County, Mona Hibbard!
Oh, my God!
She did it. She won.
I'm sorry. Did I poke you?
Look, sweetie, she's being crowned Miss Illinois.
Congratulations, Mona. What a surprise, huh?
How many judges did you do to win this pageant?
Everyone except your daddy. His dick was too small.
Isn't she lovely, ladies and gentlemen?
Twenty-six-year-old Miss Dupage County, Mona Hibbard!
Thank you. I can't believe this.
Would you stop? Your face is gonna get stuck like that.
Vanessa, sweetheart, eat your dinner.
Put the crown on her head.
Every little girl wants to be a beauty queen.
Not me. I want to be a professional soccer player.
Get this thing off me.
- Ruby, make her put it on. - Leave it on, Vanessa.
It's like mine.
It's sweet. Let me see. Just look at me.
It's cute.
You know what?
I bet Grandma's smiling down from heaven right now.
- I wish she could have been here. - I know.
So my mom never showed, did she?
I didn't see her.
No one gives a shit about the state thing, but it counts in the big one.
When they cut to the family in that little box on the side of the screen...
she's got to be there.
Your mother's got to get in a little box?
99.9% of all Miss American Misses had their parents in the audience...
except Brianna Donna Macomb, 1 97 1 , remember?
She was an orphan.
- The interview went really well. - Did it?
They especially liked the part where I got choked up and said...
good parenting begins at home--
What is your problem?
Aren't you ever going to take that stuff off?
Everyone's staring at you.
Yeah, because I'm pretty.
If people were to see me without my crown and sash...
it would be really upsetting for them.
- Now, give me one of those fries. - Hey! That's mine!
- You're gonna get fat. - I am not.
- Uh-huh. - Am not.
Don't tease her.
This is my last French fry until after the big contest...
which is exactly two months and nine days from now.
Excuse me. Are you Miss Illinois?
Why, yes, I am.
Could my little girl have your autograph, please?
Sure! First one.
- Is this your daughter? - No.
She's-- You can't be Miss Illinois and have a child.
Oh, of course. She looks just like you.
- I don't. - She doesn't.
It's ridiculous. She's mine.
Amanda wants to be Miss American Miss when she grows up.
Well...
get her teeth fixed and the mole removed, then you never know.
Remember, Amanda, it's what's inside that counts.
- Let's go. - Thank you.
There you go. My pleasure.
Make her stop. She's doing it again.
- Stop. Cut it out. - Stop it!
I don't walk like that.
- I do not. - You do too.
Rise and shine, Illinois. I'm sitting here with Mona Hibbard...
who was crowned Miss Illinois last Saturday.
Welcome, Mona, and congratulations.
Thank you, Joyce. It's nice to be here.
You looked like you were having so much fun.
I was. Me and the gals, we were just like sisters. Had a ball.
I bet you did.
Many people feel that pageants are antiquated rituals...
that perpetuate sexist perceptions of women.
What's your response?
Well, I-- I--
I would have to say that it's America's largest scholarship program for women.
So you don't think pageants exploit women.
But--
It's not as bad as that kind of exploitation they make you do, right?
It must be so hard having your face plastered...
on buses and billboards...
just to increase viewership and advertisers' dollars.
Yes, yes, that's very true.
But thank goodness I don't get judged...
while parading around in a bathing suit and heels.
Yes, thank goodness.
As beautiful as you are--
and, oh, my goodness, yes, yes, you are--
Thank you.
Controversy surrounds you.
I understand you were accused of viciously sabotaging...
many innocent girls, a behavior that went on for years.
It's not true.
- It's not? - No.
According to this...
Candy Bartholomew had a nervous breakdown...
after you stuffed a sock down her saxophone.
Misty Waters had to go into psychotherapy...
after you smeared Vaseline on her toe shoes.
And a lovely young girl...
Jo Jo Oberschmidt's right hand was scarred.
Excuse me.
I'd have preferred to use this opportunity...
to discuss my platform...
empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow...
which I feel very, very strongly about...
instead of responding to this mean-spirited--
Thank you so much.
We'll be right back with tips on how to look young in your 20s and 30s...
and all the way into your 40s.
Don't go away.
You're clear.
We got 30 seconds till we're back.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Oscar!
Are you in here?
- Where is he? - I told you. No Oscar.
He'll be here. He's coming for me. He won't forget.
Mrs. Walters, if you just tell me who Oscar is...
then maybe I could give him a call.
How about your son? What's his name?
Bob.
- Not Oscar? - Not Oscar.
I could call Bob and tell him to come visit his mother.
Forget about Bob. He's--
He's my friend-- my son. His name is Bob.
Forget about him.
- Where were you? - At a convention in Schramsberg.
I believe I have asked you to stay off my dance floor.
And this is not a toy. It is a mike stand.
You were supposed to take me to my soccer game.
I got tied up. I was signing autographs and posing for pictures.
- I'll take you to your next practice. - It was a game, not a practice!
Sorry!
My mom never forgets to take me to my soccer games.
I did not forget.
Vanessa, these roach and small rodent fumigators--
They came from all over the country.
I could not let them down. Miss Illinois.
What's this?
It's 6:1 5. I want to pick my mom up from work.
Why are they sending me a camera?
"Dear Contestant of the 2000 Miss American Miss Pageant--
This year we would like each contestant to take photos of a day in your life."
I want to pick my mother up from work.
"What kind of a girl are you? What is your family like?"
Oh, my God, no.
I want to go pick up Ruby right now.
- We got to go now. Now, now, now, now! - I just said that.
- Hey, Mom. - What are you two doing here?
Why aren't you at your soccer game?
Clara, just wait until we get into your room.
Ruby, wait. Vanessa, show her. The pageant sent me a camera.
They want me to start taking pictures of family outings...
you know, day-in-the-life stuff.
I thought we could get some candid, fuzzy...
family-style pictures with the old people here.
They want human-interest stuff. What is human interest? I don't get it.
It's stuff that humans find interesting.
- Like what? - People. Take pictures of people.
What if there aren't that many people you're interested in?
Can you take the wheelchair and put it in the hallway?
People I find interesting. Who do I find interesting?
John Tesh, Vanessa Williams. I can't take their picture.
Up and over.
- My goodness. - You got your hands-- Hold on.
I just need ideas. Is there anybody--
- Hurry! - I'm hurrying.
Could you go to that cabinet?
There's a white lace robe in the back of that closet.
- Will you get it? - Yeah.
There's a smell in here.
There you go. Into bed you go.
Well--
I've got to get Clara's medicines.
You two behave yourselves.
Get the camera out.
Hi. I'm just going to arrange this so it's pretty.
All right.
- Mind if I brush your hair? - Well, I don't know.
Just take the picture.
- How do I do it? - I don't know.Just figure it out.
Just take the picture.
That's great.
Take the picture.
All right, you two, that's enough.
Go wait for me outside.
I'll just be a few more minutes here with Clara.
- The car's right out front. - Okay, sweetie.
All right, let's take your pill.
You'll get a good night's sleep tonight.
Thank you, honey.
Mom, Mona's making me take pictures of her with the other old people.
Tell her to stop, and go get in the car.
See you out there.
- Where is it, dear? - It's in the cup.
It's not there.
I thought it was in there.
Ruby dear, would it be wrong if I asked you for two tonight?
I have such a hard time sleeping.
Tomorrow's going to be such a busy day.
All right, but just this once.
Here. Drink up.
I need to see you swallow them down, and then I have to run off.
That's good. Drink, drink, drink.
That's good.
All right. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
No, dear. Oscar's coming to get me.
He looked so handsome in his uniform.
He said he would be back for me.
Good night, Clara.
Good-bye, Ruby dear.
Two, three, four--
I can't concentrate with all the noise!
Sorry.
- Come on, Vanessa. - No.
- What do I have to do to convince you? - I don't want to.
Just do it.
I have to practice. I don't have time.
Nessie, come on.
Just do it.
I don't want to.
It'll be fun.
Just take a bunch of pictures of her wherever she goes.
- That's easy, right? - No.
- Don't you want Mona to win? - No.
You don't mean that.
Will you rub my back?
If she wins, she'd be gone for a year.
- Right? - Yep.
She'd be gone for almost a whole year.
Okay, I'll do it.
Thank you. You're sweet.
You're very sweet.
You're made of sugar.
Like a big rock candy mountain.
- Stop it. Would you? - Just trying to help.
Not now. Not now.
I'll tell you when.
- You know any handicapped people? - Only you.
- Forget it. - What are you so upset about?
I got six weeks to try and top a marrow transplant to a dying foster sister.
How about orphans?
- Do you know any? - No.
- You know who Oprah is? - Love Oprah.
- She's thin right now, right? - How the heck should I know?
She said that if a little baby never gets hugged or kissed...
when it grows up it doesn't know how to love.
If anyone tries to touch it, it cries and gets all stiff and rigid.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Are you all right?
Get the camera out. Get the camera out now. Now.
Okay, let me talk to her. Let me talk to her!
I'm Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.
- What's your name? - Theresa.
Everything's going to be fine. Nobody panic.
I'm Miss Illinois. I have everything under control.
All right, I am going to get you safely to a hospital. Can you hang in there?
Breathe!
Did you--
What's that song?
It must have been cold there in my shadow
To never have sunlight on your face
You were content to let me shine That's your way
You always walked a step behind
Did you ever know that you're my hero
You're everything I wish I could be
- It's coming! Get away from me! - Oh, God!
You're crazy!
You must have been-- Keep shooting!
Cold there in my shadow
I'm holding for Lance DeSalvo, the national pageant director.
It's Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.
I was just wondering if he received the press clipping I sent him.
I wanted to know if he wanted to use the shot for next month's newsletter.
I think it is a lot more upbeat than Miss Texas in a coma.
Can you-- No, I'm-- I--
There's Vanessa with the ball to half court.
Bye.
My platform-- empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow--
is so excellent because there is so many things you can do.
Goal!
I'm going to throw that ball out the window.
- I'm practicing. - Don't do it in the house.
Come in here. Help me.
- Hello? - Hello, Lurdy?
- Yeah. - Is my mother there?
- Who is this? - It's Mona.
She ain't here.
Why is it whenever I call she's not there?
Hello?
Can you just tell her that I need her to come with me to Long Beach, California?
- California? When? - In a month.
- What for? - For the contest.
Why should she?
Because I need her to be in the little box on the screen's right-hand side.
What the hell?
Okay? Can you tell her?
Yes, I'll tell her.
Are you there?
What about the promise you made?
- The promise? - The promise you made on camera.
Let me refresh your memory.
"A vote for me is a vote for the end of the objectification of women."
With the pageant in three weeks, how will you make known...
your opposition to the sexist tyranny of traditional pageants?
I--
You'll just have to tune in and find out, won't you?
Yes, we will. Cut.
Who belongs to this?
He's a sweet, sweet child.
Mr. Hendrix?
Perhaps--
Pardon me.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes?
Table for two, please.
I'm not a hostess.
I'm Miss Illinois.
What'd she say?
She asked if we wanted smoking or nonsmoking.
Smoking.
Fine. Right this way.
Come on, come on, come on.
That's good exercise, Mr. Bryan.
Come in, please.
Excuse me, Mr. Willoughby. I didn't know you were busy.
- I thought you wanted to see me. - Yes, I do, Ruby. Come in.
Sexist tyranny of traditional pageants.
Well, I--
Could you please just turn that off?
Thank you.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Hey, Mama! - Hey, baby.
Did you do your homework?
Can you get me into the cancer ward of your hospital?
There is no cancer ward at my hospital.
You know, any hospital.
- Mona, can you sit down? - Sure. I don't want crippled people.
- I'll get it. - I have old people.
It would definitely have to be bald kids. It'd have bald kids, right?
Please, listen to me, okay? I need to talk to you.
What? Ruby, whatever Vanessa told you, I didn't do anything.
Today at the hospital--
- Mom, someone wants to see you. - Thank you, young lady.
- Oh, God. - I have to talk to your mother.
I'm just here to see your mother.
What are you--
Excuse me, Miss Stillwell.
I'm Lieutenant Bloomfield. We met this afternoon.
I'm sorry, but we have to take you in.
- What do you mean, take her in? - But I didn't do it.
- You do have a right to an attorney. - What's going on?
I don't know where she got the pills. I didn't give them to her.
It's a good idea if you don't say anything.
Wait! What's going on?
- Do you understand your rights? - Yeah.
- What is going on? - Clara Walters died.
So? She was, like, 500 years old.
She died of a drug overdose, and they think I did it.
- What? Where are you taking her? - To the police station.
You two look after each other until I come back.
I'm not staying with her.
You have to be a big girl. Mona needs you.
I don't need her. I need you!
Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right.
- Don't worry. - Take her away.
Mom!
What are you doing?
Getting a foster family. I'm not living with you!
Hi, I'm a kid who needs a foster family.
Give me the phone.
Hi, it's my niece. She's just playing around.
Do you have any kind of month-to-month plan?
I'm sorry. I got to go. Good-bye.
What's the sign on the door say?
Don't take that tone with me.
You know the rules!
- Can I come in? - No!
- You're not leaving. - Yes, I am!
- No, you're not! - Yes, I am too!
This is your home, and you're staying put.
And that's final!
In the case now known as the Angel of Mercy Killing...
Nurse Ruby Stillwell has been named the prime suspect...
for the murder of an elderly patient in her care.
Let's go to the camera inside.
- Miss Walter was a very elderly woman. - That is precisely the point.
She was confined to a wheelchair...
yet the autopsy has revealed she died of a massive overdose of barbiturates...
drugs she herself was unable to obtain.
How did she receive such a massive mis-medication?
We submit that it was Miss Stillwell, her nurse, who administered the drugs...
either through negligence or some misguided Kevorkian imitation.
Your Honor, this isn't fair. He never lets me talk.
All right. I've heard enough.
This court sets a trial date for September 1 5...
four-and-one-half weeks from today.
Bail is set at $1 50,000.
- Thank you, Your Honor. - Next case.
It's just a minor setback. Don't worry. I'll see you Thursday.
Mommy, do we give them the money and they let you out?
It's bail, sweetie. We don't have that kind of money.
What are we gonna--
Hey, Ruby!
Let me be the first to report a very interesting side note.
Ruby Stillwell is the roommate of Mona Hibbard...
who will be representing our state in three weeks...
at the Miss American Miss pageant.
Somehow I feel there will be more to uncover on this story...
and I'll be the first to report whatever.
This is Joyce Parkins reporting live from the county courthouse.
Back to you, Kyle.
Come on, you moron!
- Your soccer game. - Yeah, what about it?
I know we're a little late, but maybe we haven't missed it.
I missed it!
You'll go the next game, right?
The way you practiced, you'll--
Come on. I'm really sorry. I was really busy. I tried.
I was all the way out of town. It was a really, really long way away.
Come on. I'll make you some chocolate something.
Your mother finally called.
- What did she say? - Some stuff.
- What did she say? - I can't remember.
Tell me. What did she say? Is she gonna come with me to Long Beach?
She's not.
Are you serious?
- Get in the car. - Why? I don't want to.
- Get in the car. - I don't want to get in the car.
I don't care what you want to do. You're getting in the car.
- Where are we going? - We're going to my house.
She has to go.
I mean, she has to go.
She has to go.
How come your mom and dad hate you?
He's not my dad.
I don't know.
Maybe they hate you because you're mean, 'cause you forget stuff.
Important stuff. And you never mean it when you say you're sorry.
Vanessa, I am sorry.
I don't believe you.
Okay. We're here.
Nedra, get the damn door.
- Hi. - Mona?
- It's me. - Hi.
- Wow.
Look at you.
I was at a convention in Hatcher County.
- Hi. - Hi. Hello.
- So? - This is Ruby's little girl Vanessa.
- Hi. - Hi.
We've been driving for about an hour...
so perhaps we could have something to drink.
Sure.
- I gotta use the bathroom. - It's down the hall to the right.
- Well, look at you, huh? - Right.
- Look at your hair. - I straighten it now.
Here you go.
So you coming to the pageant or what?
Didn't you get my message?
Lurdy don't want to.
Then come alone.
- When is it again? - A week from this Saturday.
That's not good for me.
- Why not? - It just isn't.
Why can't you rearrange your schedule? You know how important it is to me.
I can't. I just can't.
Ask someone to change shifts with you.
Just change shifts with someone.
Why is it such a big deal?
I'm just asking you, just for one night.
No, Mona. I just can't. Don't you understand? I just can't.
"You are beautiful."
"Never give up."
Quit asking me all these questions. I said no.
Mom, I never asked you for anything.
It's one night. It won't cost you a dime.
I swear to God, it won't. I'll get you room service and a car.
I've been working toward this since I was eight.
Why do you hate me?
I don't hate you.
I don't understand you.
Well, what don't you understand?
I don't know.
You scare me. That look in your eyes.
Like you was always hungry, and then you never would eat anything.
Hey, Ma, you ever heard of those Pomeranian orphans?
What kind of orphans?
Pomeranian.
What are you talking about?
It's Romanian, Mona, Romanian.
- I thought she was talking about a dog. - She don't know shit. She never did.
My point-- I got the word wrong.
I was picturing one of them yappy things that Roberta has, all them dogs of hers.
She kind of looks like one of Roberta's dogs.
- Now, now. Now. - Look at me. I'm Miss American Miss.
- Stop it. - No, listen.
Listen.
It's like love is a sort of language, and they never learned the words.
You're just not a happy girl, are you?
I wanna go now.
Okay, we're going.
- Tell her good luck. - I got--
I'm not moving till you tell your daughter...
that she's one of the 50 most beautiful, talented ladies in America.
She wore the judges down.
You're mean. You're a mean, mean lady.
Get her outta here!
You're both aggravating me, and I got a headache!
What--
What's happened? Where's Vanessa?
She's outside.
Why didn't you send her in? I wanna say hi.
I just-- You gotta tell me what I'm gonna do.
'Cause I can't win if there's no one in my family box.
And my mother won't come, so I got no one.
I just need you to tell me what to do...
'cause I worked really hard, I mean--
Rubes, you know how hard I worked. You know?
- Just tell me what to do, Ruby. - For crying out loud, Mona.
Please tell me what to do.
Tell you what to do.
Ruby, I-- What's--
My God, Mona!
Look around. I'm in jail.
I can't help you.
I can barely help myself right now, and who's gonna help Vanessa?
I'll tell you what to do. Go home and cook Vanessa some dinner.
And then maybe you rub her back until she falls asleep for once.
I can't.
Grow up, Mona!
You're not the one who needs a mother anymore.
Ruby, I just need you to tell me--
No. You stop it, and you listen to me, Mona.
Look at me.
I'm gonna get out of this because I didn't do anything wrong.
Then I'm gonna forget about it...
and it'll just be something bad that happened in my life.
I'll let it go.
But you won't let the bad things go.
You just hold onto them like...
everything bad that's ever happened in your life.
You never see the good things--
good things that have been in your life for a really long time now.
Go home, Mona.
Send Vanessa in. I wanna say hi.
You never see the good things.
You won't let the bad things go.
You would fit in beautifully.
- Why do your mom and dad hate you? - You didn't win.
- Don't you want Mom to win? - No.
Move over, Scum-o-la.
I think it's "Muh-ho-na, "baby.
So, how was your day today?
Oh, I see you had a Wal-Mart opening.
You didn't go, did you?
Mona, can you hear me?
Oh, come on, Mona. Answer me.
Get up, Mona. Get up!
Ruby told me to tell you. You have to pack. You have to go.
You're supposed to leave for the pageant tomorrow.
You've worked your whole life for this.
Who's that?
- Right wing. - She's a Republican?
On my soccer team.
Ruby says if you win, I'll go to a nice foster family.
You know, if you win.
What do you mean, if I win?
Well, how can you win lying on that couch eating all day?
Wanna look at the mail?
Look! It's your Miss American Miss souvenir book.
Oh, wow. Look at all these really pretty girls.
So, let me see.
Miss Indiana wrote a children's book...
about a dyslexic mouse based on the adversities...
she overcame in her own life.
And Miss Rhode Island was in the Peace Corps...
and assisted in building housing for 500 families.
Up hers.
That's the spirit.
And here you are. Did they take this picture special?
'Cause it's great.
It says your hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters.
Since when?
It makes me look carefree. The judges like carefree.
Here's the one who donated marrow to her dying foster sister.
Hey, you two are exactly alike!
Her hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters too.
What? Let me see that.
- That fat, pug-nosed, lyin'-- - Bitch.
- Hey! You just watch your mouth. - Fine.
- I'm allowed to say shit. You can't. - Whatever.
Oh, God!
Come on, Mona. Don't just sit there.
I can help.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I've gotta sit on this suitcase till that goes shut.
We'll pack this and this.
And this.
Come on, Mona. Let's go pack.
What?
I was just thinking maybe you could come with me.
And help me with my costumes.
You know, 'cause, I mean-- Well, I got an extra ticket.
Won't that be bad?
No. I-- You just stay out of sight, and--
I think it would be really good for you.
You know, to see what you can accomplish with a lot of hard work...
and a serious attitude.
Greetings from the Hawkeye State.
I'm Fauna Fairchild, Miss Iowa!
I'm a senior at Iowa State, majoring in agriculture...
and my platform is encouraging youth to postpone sexual activity.
Hey, America, just say no.
Greetings from the mountain state. I'm Ashlee Carruthers, Miss West Virginia.
I'm devoted to developing civility through care...
courtesy and respect of power.
Vote for me and help me make a more polite America.
Please and thank you.
I'm Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.
I'm a performing arts major at Murfreesboro Junior College.
My platform is preventing birth defects and infant mortality!
I'm Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.
I'm a magna cum laude graduate of the University of Texas...
with a double degree in genetics engineering and cosmetology.
My personal crusade is to assist the transplant community...
in increasing organ and tissue donation.
Share your life, America.
Share an organ.
Hi. I'm Mona Hibbard from the prairie state of Illinois.
I'm passionately devoted to empowering America's youth...
for a brighter tomorrow by promoting character strength...
and encouraging our youth to take control of their destiny.
All it takes is focus, aim and drive.
Cut! Miss Illinois...
I've asked you three times to gently--
gently toss the ball to Miss Texas.
Well, is it my fault if she can't catch?
- Not at all. - She's not very athletic.
- She isn't. Let's do it again, okay? - Okay, fine.
All right, people, let's go! We gotta get this before lunch.
Hey, who's got 20 on the beach ball?
Thank you. All right, who's throwing it in now?
Look, there's Belindy Lindbrook. Who's that interviewer?
Belindy Lindbrook, the current Miss American Miss. A beauty queen.
It's like people think that all we do is look pretty.
- Hello, good to see you. - Hello, Mr. DeSalvo. Thank you.
Mr. DeSalvo? Miss Illinois.
Really.
Miss Texas.
Oh! My word.
I'm Lance DeSalvo. I'm the director of the pageant.
It's so nice to meet you. And who's this?
Oh, this is Steve. Steve, say hello to Mr. DeSalvo.
Hey, how do you do?
That's incredible. Your lips, they didn't move once.
Howdy do, Steve?
- Hey, how's it going? - Where were you?
- Getting some food. - What? Did anyone say anything?
Well, just stay out of sight and give me the plate.
Hey, did you know that this hotel's got an indoor swimming pool?
Yeah, great. These elevators take so long.
Oh, you sure know how to tuck it away, don't you?
I have a very fast metabolism.
Yeah, right.
Who are you?
- Oh. How do y'all know each other? - We don't.
We just happened to be waiting for the same elevator.
I could have sworn I saw y'all talking.
- We were. - Yeah, we were.
Nine, please.
She's a little girl who was wondering where the indoor swimming pool is.
- It's on the top floor. - No, it's not. It's on second.
Not here. Could have sworn I saw you talking at the airport this morning.
The airport?
Wait! Hi.
- My sunglasses! - They're on your head, silly.
This group of women is representative of the women in our society today...
and we are the role models for the women of tomorrow.
Excuse me, but are you Jojo Overschmidt?
I was a long time ago.
But it didn't look right in TVGuide, so now I'm Joyce Parkins.
It's me, Cricket McCord. You remember cheerleading?
Do I remember?
Hey, hey, ho! Let's go!
- How are you? - Fine!
- I'm Miss Minnesota now. - Sixth floor. Who wants out? Anyone?
Anyone? Anyone?
Go on. Go.
Mona? Isn't this your floor?
Yeah! Oh, six. Yes. That's me. Excuse me.
Well, well. I had no idea the infamous Miss Illinois was in the elevator.
Yeah?
So what are you doing here in Long Beach, California?
Special assignment. The story I'm working on...
is gonna catapult me to a position nationally.
Sounds painful.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I'm gonna wait for the next one.
All right. All right.
Lenny, drop everything and check on something for me.
What?
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing? Have you completely lost it?
No, not yet.
What if I do lose?
What if I don't even make it into the top ten?
Well, let's see.
You won't be going all over the country for a whole year...
and I won't be going to a nice foster family.
Yeah. Then we'll both be losers.
Yeah.
Have you slept at all? You look like crap.
No.
Want me to rub your back?
My mom would always rub my back.
Get under the covers.
- Are you cold? - No.
Ruby says there's a good chance you're gonna win.
She did? Really?
Really.
I want you to know I would've rubbed your back.
But I wouldn't have done it good.
No, probably not.
See, I've never had a mother to teach me how to do it.
Not like you have.
Boy, it must be great to have a mother who--
Who what?
Who loves you.
Yeah.
- How'd it go? - Great.
You're gonna win! You're gonna win!
We don't know that for sure.
- So, how'd it go? - Oh, great.
That's good.
Now, who's this?
- Are you two related? - No.
Yes.
- Well, what is it? - Yes.
Yes, what?
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Yes, what's the big deal? She's my niece.
- Who is? - She is.
Wait. You said that you two didn't know each other.
Yeah. I thought I read in the souvenir book you're an only child.
Whose hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters.
They are.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm totally confused here.
Honey, where do you belong?
You're driving me crazy! All of you!
I don't know where I belong, and besides...
what's it to you?
Get out of my way. Away! I hate this hotel!
I hate this hotel!
Well, that just--
I gotta go to a dance rehearsal now, so good luck with your lip gloss.
Bye, Steve.
That's your light. You stay in this area, you're in it.
- Hi. Excuse me. - Sure.
Just wanna make sure we're not washing out here in the opening moments.
When the lights come up, we don't wanna lose her face, because--
So if you could--
I feel as a friend I gotta tell you.
They're onto you.
You and the little girl.
-Heard the reporter and Belindy talking. -I don't know what you mean.
Your lips never moved.
Miss Illinois. Miss Illinois, you're up.
Hey, hey, people. Where's her music? You're killin' me here. Come on.
Vanessa. Stay in the room from now on.
Well, the door's open. I can just dive in.
Like this.
Vanessa, what are you doing, goddamn it?
- Hanging out in the hall. - Well, don't destroy the hotel!
- I'm not. - Well, what do you call this?
- Modern art? - It's not! You just stay in the room.
- Why can't I just go out into the hall? - Because you can't.
- Who says? - I do!
Well, who do you think you are? My mother?
Miss Illinois.
Lorna? It's Ruby.
It's Ruby.
I'm here too!
Vanessa's here too. I brought her with me.
You did?
Yeah. I mean, it's okay. I thought you'd be pleased.
Mona's doing good. Real good.
I'm sure she is, sweetie.
I miss you. I love you.
- I love you too. - Nessy, can you put Mona on the phone?
She wants to talk to you.
Hey. Mona, I just wanted to wish you luck.
Not that you need it.
I'm proud of you, Mona.
Really?
Yes.
There's people here who need to use the phone, so I have to go.
Listen, do you know a Joyce Parkins? She's a newswoman.
Why?
She came here to talk to me. I thought she was doing a story on me...
but she spent the whole time asking questions about you.
What did you say?
I didn't say anything. Just watch out for her.
Listen, they're gonna let us watch the show tomorrow night...
so I wanna see that Miss American Miss smile.
Okay. You shouldn't have--
I'll call again when I get a chance. I love you. I love you both.
Okay.
Bye.
Great. Great.
I can't believe this.
Hold it. You know better than that.
I want my cue light directly in front of me.
Come on. Get it higher. Move it. Higher.
Listen, there's a new cue at 1 27-A.
Come on. Let's go.
Ten minute warning. Ten minutes to curtain.
Okay, ladies. Listen up.
Lance DeSalvo, our pageant director...
needs to meet with you all in just a few minutes.
So can we hurry on up, please?
All right. Miss Illinois?
The director would like to see you before the show.
Hey, Mona. Could I ask you a huge favor?
Since nobody's seated in the area reserved for your family...
and I have so much family, and my Bible school teacher, he's coming too--
- Could I use-- - No.
Miss Illinois, please. It's ten minutes to show.
Excuse me.
Take it, take it.
Thank you. Come on. Okay.
It's show time, folks.
Channel Five is proud to bring you the following special broadcast.
Tonight on E.I., a special inside look...
at Miss American Miss Pageant 2000.
Brought to you by Chicago's Joyce Parkins.
There you are. Miss Illinois.
No one seems to be seated in the area reserved for your family.
I have someone.
Vanessa, Vanessa. Hey, I need you.
- For what? - To, you know, sit in the section.
'Cause when they cut to my family box, no one's gonna be there...
and I don't want Miss Texas's goddamn Bible school teacher to have my seats.
So, you know, I don't care what anyone thinks.Just comb your hair...
sit up straight and come on.
Why should I? I don't want you to win.
Oh, come on. Yeah, you do.
No, I don't.
Well, what do you want?
I'll do anything for you. What do you want me to do?
I want you to answer me one question.
Okay.
Why do I look so much like you?
You're just lucky, I guess.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I'm seven. I'm not stupid!
Look, Vanessa. I don't know what you're thinking.
We gotta go. The pageant's beginning.
Tell me! I want you to tell me!
- I can't. - Answer me!
I can't!
Even if I was who you say I am...
I couldn't-- I couldn't do the things--
Everything I've worked for. I--
I'd be nothing.
I'd be a big nothing.
And come on! You wouldn't want me anyway.
I just wanna know where I belong.
You belong in the family box.
I'm here in Long Beach, California...
where in just a few moments...
50 state representatives will be vying for the crown of Miss American Miss...
including a very controversial Miss Illinois.
So please stay tuned for my special expose...
"The Ugly World of Beauty."
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome.
I'll be your host tonight for the Miss American Miss Pageant 2000.
I'm every woman
It's all in me Everything
Miss Illinois! You're late! Ready?
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
I'm every woman It's all in me
I can cast a spell
Secrets you can't tell
- Mix a special brew - Put fire inside of you
Oh, I did the best I could, Joyce.
Which, in most cases, I must say, was--
Well, how do I put this? Plenty.
I'm every woman
That's me
Me
To have to be constantly less than what you really are!
When I was younger, really--
I'm sorry, Miss Chickle. I'm gonna have to interrupt.
Thank you so much. But I am being told they are making the announcement...
for the top ten finalists, so let's go inside.
Our next contestant, Miss Alabama!
As you can see, we've got a very excited Miss Alabama.
All right, number eight. Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.
Finalist number nine, Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.
And contestant number ten, Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.
And there you have your top ten finalists.
One of these beautiful young women will become our new Miss American Miss.
And now it's my pleasure to introduce the bathing suit competition.
Miss Alabama.
Miss Florida.
Now listen closely, everyone. It's time to announce our final five.
Best of luck, ladies.
Now, in random order, our final five are:
Miss Tennessee.
Miss Alabama.
Miss Hawaii.
Miss Texas.
And Miss Illinois.
Yes! Yes!
And there they are, ladies and gentlemen, our top five finalists.
Now, once she becomes our new Miss American Miss...
one of these beautiful young women will say good-bye to her family, friends...
and for one solid year, she'll travel the globe...
and let's face it, ladies and gentlemen, just reminding everyone...
of what truly beautiful really is.
Don't you think so?
Now let's see how talented they are.
As we listen to the talented Miss Hawaii on the piano...
I ask myself, what makes a woman beautiful?
And how far will some go to be called the most beautiful?
Miss Illinois, this way, please.
He is the very model of a modern major-general
I've information vegetable animal and mineral
He knows the kings of England and he quotes the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo in orders categorical
He's very well acquainted too with matters mathematical
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem He is teeming with a lot of news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
He's very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
- In short, in matters vegetable -Animal and mineral
- He is the very model - Of a modern major-general
Tonight you're mine
Completely
You give your love
So sweetly
Tonight
The light
Of love is in your eye
But will you love me
Tomorrow
Tonight with words
Unspoken
You'll say
I'm the only one
But will my heart
Be broken
When the night
Meets the mornin'sun
I need to know
That your love
Your love,your love your love,your love,your love
Is a love I can
Be sure of
So tell
Me now
And I won't ask again
Will you still love me
Tomorrow
Will you still love me
Tomorrow
Will you, will you will you, will you
Will you still love me
Tomorrow
Time now to narrow it down to our final three contestants.
And here they are, in no particular order.
Finalist number one: Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.
Finalist number two: Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.
Thank you.
The third and final contestant, Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.
Which one of these beautiful young women...
will become our new Miss American Miss?
It's your call, America. That's right, let your voice be heard.
So while they're changing into their evening gowns...
please write down the number at the bottom of your screen.
This year's Miss American Miss should represent you. So speak up, America.
And here they are in evening gown. Miss Tennessee.
Miss Illinois.
I have the final piece of information to disqualify Mona Hibbard...
- Miss Illinois, right here. - Miss Texas.
And there you have our contestants in evening gown.
Next, we're gonna roll out our soundproof booth...
and we'll begin our final round of competition, the questions.
We'll start with Miss Texas.
I'd also like to tell you that the construction of this booth...
renders it absolutely soundproof.
I doubt if they could hear a bomb go off, once inside.
All right.
Have you ever been to Appalachia?
I want out, and there's only one crown.
Look at us.
Two white trash girls tryin' to crack the code.
Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.
Tell me it's all true.
Tell me that you grew up with foster brothers and sisters...
and that you risked your life to save one of them.
Tell me that you love aerobics and roller coasters.
'Cause if it's true, then you deserve to win.
What difference does it make?
I don't know if I want to be a pretend role model to thousands of little girls.
Or a real role model to one.
And now Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.
Here we go.
What quality do you most like about yourself, and why?
That's an easy one.
Mona, it's your sincerity.
Come on, Mona.
Could you repeat the question?
What quality do you most like about yourself, and why?
I don't like myself.
What are you--
But I'm going to.
Vanessa, you're my little girl.
Mine.
Come on.
You belong with me.
We're goin' home.
I don't think that was the right answer.
Hang on.
- What is she doing? - How would I know?
- She can't do that! - Go to commercial?
- No, no, no! Keep going, keep going. - All right.
Be funny.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's--
That's kind of what makes live television so interesting, and--
We actually had a chance, and then she goes nuts.
Shut up, Lurdy!
Wait a minute. What just happened?
Miss Illinois just made a statement that women with children...
should be allowed to be Miss American Miss.
Sorry, you can't exit here.
Please.
The following year, this poor sucker went over there again...
and the same thing happened.
No one can come in and out until after the show. They need you on stage now.
Didn't you hear? I'm ineligible. This is my daughter, and I want to go.
Please.
We are live on TV.
Please,just-- Please, please.
Please, just go. Please.
Cut it. Thank you.
Let me just go on for a sec. What's going on in here?
But I do remember--
If she just did what I think she did...
she's fuckin' brilliant.
You go, Mona Hibbard!
- Right on. - I'm gonna call.
- What's that number? - Where's my phone?
No finalist has ever sacrificed the crown in order to make a statement...
about the realistic psychological and socioeconomic conditions...
of today's American women.
But she can't win! Mothers and legal guardians are ineligible.
They need it. Listen to the crowd.
We must evolve with the times.
What's happening?
I don't get it. What happened?
She's making a statement about the difficulties women face...
maintaining high self-esteem in a patriarchal society.
They're back, so something's up. Let's find out.
They've scored her. The judges have scored her. Go on with the show.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.
Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois, has given her answer...
and she has been judged by our panel.
So let's now bring our other two finalists out of the booth.
And we'll continue in our countdown to find out who will be...
Miss American Miss 2000.
Judges have tabulated the scores along with your telephone call-in votes...
Touche.
so here we go.
Our second runner-up.
Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas!
You cracked the code.
You found the new frontier.
First runner-up, Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee!
Congratulations.
That means Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois, is our new Miss American Miss!
We won! We won. We won.
She won! She won!
Wow.
Congratulations.
She's ineligible.
Wait. You guys know that I was gonna break this story.
She-- I had it first! You guys all know this.
Tom Brokaw, if you're out there watching, you know that--
Wait a second. I didn't say "cut". I didn't say cut.
Back it up. I'm not through.
Yes, you are.
No, no, no, no. Back it up. Come back here.
Ruby's watching. Hi, Ruby!
Hi.
We did it! We did it!
We did! We did it. We did. Vanessa, Mona, we did it!
We did it.
She's free! She's free! She's free!
Oh, my God!
You're so lucky!